Ms Understood

CHAOS

2012-01-20T12:22:00.005Z

I sit here moving the food around on my plate. I have lost my appetite and knowing me that's a big deal, I look up at you across the table from me. you haven't made much of dent in your meal either, I guess you are mad at me.

I understand your anger, I would be mad too if someone kept snapping at me all the time for every little thing. I give up the pretence of eating and go for what I really need; a drink. you look at me with accusations in your eyes, I ignore you.

Yes! I have been drinking a lot recently, Yes! I have been a bitch and then some, but truth is I'm heartbroken and I feel like there is no coming back from what happened. I know I said I had forgiven you and when I said it, I meant it. When I hear your voice, see your face I can forgive you for anything. Then afterwards, when I'm on my own I start to worry and the pain and confusion come back and I get upset all over again.

Worst part of all of this is the confusion I feel about everything. Someone once told me that what starts in chaos ends in chaos; so considering the chaotic way we came together a part of me has been waiting for the chaotic finale and I can't help feeling like it's here; that we are over.

I can't live without you, but right now I can't seem to live with you. I love you, God knows I love you but I'm soo angry.

I turn to look at you and it all falls away, the anger, the confusion, the pain, in this moment I know that all I want is you. I love you. I walk over to you, put down my drink, hold your face and say, "I love you, I'm sorry it took me this long to realise that that was more important than anything you may have done to me, please don't be mad at me any more."

You look at me and smile and suddenly there is sense in the chaos.

Size Matters

2011-09-20T00:26:00.001Z

So I may have inadvertently impugned some guy's masculinity on twitter, sorry, but it got me thinking.
Size; is bigger always better?
Let's start with boobs since I have a set of those and while I'm not a member of the itty-bitty-titty parade, I'm no double d bombshell either I'm average. But I don't think I'd mind if I were smaller, hey I'm happy I got some cuz they took their sweet time getting here.
I mean isn't their purpose to provide u with a means feeding your young? So as long as u r capable of providing sustenance for your progeny, what does it matter if your tools are ant bite sized or gigantic double d's?
And dude, u don't shoot blanks and u don't have a problem rising to the occasion, what does it matter if u are equipped with a derringer or shotgun?
Well since I'm not naïve or innocent I know that to a lot of people it does matter, you've heard all the er.... Perks of being less endowed. For the ladies they say gravity doesn't get to you as much, you'll be perky long after boobilicious has flattened out, and hey usually small up means u get the booty to compensate and who doesn't like a nicely shaped derrière?
For the little men, praise about the stamina, endurance, excellent technique and willingness to please are heaped on their heads by many. Its not the size of the liner but the motion of the ocean.
But don't these platitudes just bring to bear the point that size matters? Bigger is better and we have to find something to tell those who fall below average to bolster their egos?
Personally I don't think size is important in these instances. I mean why should the fact u are smaller through no fault of yours but just your luck in genetic material determine your desireability to the opposite sex?
If u are obese then size matters because that's something that you can do something about, but how big or small your boobs are, are beyond your control.
Anyone that picks you or rejects you because of how big or small your endowments are is a superficial idiot, but then that's just my opinion, what do I know?
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Space for one

2011-09-19T23:20:00.001Z

Is it possible to love more than one person at a time? To feel the same thing for two different people; the quantity and quality of that feeling being exactly the same for both people?
And I'm not just talking about romantic feelings, this goes for parents; a mother, does she love all her children equally? No favourites? Is that even possible?
Can a child bear both parents the same amount of love? If u only had one chance to save one friend would u let both drown cuz you couldn't choose one you loved the most to save?
Or is love; our feelings for the people in our lives like the list in my Secondary school, the "order of merit" with only one spot for the one you love the most and are all the rest just alternatives, options or second choices?
If so then it must really suck when you are not number one on your number one's list.
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Hey Kid

2011-08-19T10:55:00.001Z

I pass in front of my nursery school everyday on my way to the gym (yes, I'm finally going to the gym). Today I was thinking about my graduation from nursery school and I remembered a friend's blog post about a letter they would write to their past self. I wondered what I'd tell that 4year old version of myself if I could meet her, so here goes...
Hey kid,
Grab a paper and pencil and write all this down, first the bad news, 20yrs from now, you'll still be in school, sorry the mango business didn't work out like you planned. Please study hard with a little effort you can be a real brainiac!
Cartoons are great, you don't have to outgrow them and watch out for 'Megamind' its really cool. Bananas aren't gonna make ur voice any better, give it up already.
Daddy isn't a saint, and Adoma is pretty cool.
Leap frog is a fun game! Don't worry u aren't that heavy, u won't break anyone's back. You are always gonna lose every race u run, cuz u just can't run very fast.
In jss when u think he's broken your heart, he hasn't and the very next year he coming begging to you on his knees and u can tell him to f**k off! (But be nice, he's still gonna be one of ur best friends)
Wear shoes, mummy is right or else u won't be able to mention ur shoesize in public.
Keep reading, books are always going to be your best friends. Try to avoid falling so much, the scars don't go anywhere.
When u miraculously lose all that weight in SSS, don't take it for granted! work at maintaining it or U'll just gain it all back and then some (or at the very least take a lot more pictures of your skinny body!!).
Oh and there are some people in SSS u shd avoid like the plague, though you'll keep meeting them, wherever you go and the C2 class prefect is gonna be one of your best friends, so just stick with her. First day of school, find "sis" Charlene tell her about Laura and don't dump ur food in the trash when dat mean senior tells u to. Put that quiet Form1 girl in the bunk next to you, she's cool.
There are some boys you r gonna hate admitting you even knew so after SSS learn to bake or go for computer classes or something to keep yourself occupied and avoid the idiots.
University, keep ur eyes out for this really cool dude that gonna sweep u off ur feet, even though his arrogance is really annoying! Go to Brunei often there's someone there u have to meet! In Final year some idiot is gonna try and steal ur laptop so keep ur windows locked!!!
Generally keep the stupid sh*t to a minimum cuz you'll remember every single one with amazing clarity! Nothing u do will help u escape the consequences.
Take risks, don't let fear hold u back from some of the best things that could happen to you. Save a lot more, stuff just keep getting more expensive! and there are way cooler stuffer u'd want to own.
Don't forget God, U need him more than u need anyone or anything, if u do it takes a lot of work to find Him again.
Be true to yourself, don't compromise on what you believe in and remember that whatever you give yourself to, gives back to you.
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Power over me

2011-08-07T01:47:00.001Z

The power to hurt me.
Very few people have it.
But no one has as much of it as you do
Everytime I think I've taken it all back
All the power you have to hurt me
You do something carelessly, thoughtlessly
something I shouldn't care about
But I do
And it hurts
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This Week

2011-07-30T08:35:00.000Z

I spent the week reconnecting with an old friend.
I started as a something to do, to occupy my time. Then it became the reason I got out of bed in the morning, even though all I wanted to do was curl up and hide from the world.
By the end of the week it was my life.
This week I found out that He, my friend and father had never left me, I'd just stopped taking the time to be with him, that He was there when I was down and needed Him and that He always would be.
I remembered the joy I had in Him, the joy that could make me smile no matter what I was going through.
I spent this week with God, my father and friend, I was just what I needed and it made me know that even when I had forsaken Him, He never forgot about me.
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Imagine Me

2011-07-28T00:29:00.001Z

I have a powerful imagination, its a gift and a curse.
As a child I could create whole worlds in my head, it fascinated my mother that I could spend hours on my own entertained by nothing but my imagination.
In boarding school, when I craved some delicacy denied me by virtue of the fact that, well my school was in cape coast and most delicacies didn't travel well, I could regale my mates with such vivid descriptions of said delicacies that they would start to crave it too.
To date, daydreams are my go-to solution whenever I'm bored and can't get a book, or upset like during an exam when the paper is killing me, or I need something to distract me from thinking about something stupid I did or something painful I'm enduring. For those days when my brain just won't shut up, I imagine a world where everything is better. I have running storylines from the ones where I win the lottery and spend the rest of my days luxuriating in the Bahamas after my liposuction, to the ones where I ingest some miracle drug that boosts my IQ turning me into an instant genius. Armed with my repertoire of tales I imagined there was no situation I couldn't cope with, when it got too bad or too sad or just too much, I just powered down my brain and indulged in a fantasy.
Of course on the negative side my imagination tends to ran away from me sometimes, I can turn molehills into mountains, see trouble where there is none, sense impending doom, from mere silence.
A blessing and curse, but its all I've got, this imagination.
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The first kiss

2011-07-27T16:56:00.001Z

Some facts are distorted by time and others are as clear as day.
I don't remember what excuse brought me to your place that day. I can't recall what day it was, but I do remember how you looked lying on the floor surrounded by pillows.
I remember tickling you, the feel of your skin, soft as silk.
I remember your laugh, maybe because I've heard it so many times since then.
The look in your eye when you told me to stop or else. The look that made keep tickling you.
I remember the thrill I felt as you leaned in, towards me; holding my breath in anticipation.
The feel of your lips, for the very first time.
I remember thinking it was over too fast, "no don't draw away". I remember wanting more, yet feeling replete.
I remember very little facts, but all the feelings...
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The Proposal

2011-07-26T01:15:00.000Z

"I got it" he said softly to me,as I sat in the front seat. "Got what?" I asked distractedly trying to toss my carry-on into the backseat without whacking him in the head, though I sorely wanted to. I had been waiting for close to an hour and he wasn't even offering an apology.
"I got the job" he answered " I start next week". "That's great" I screamed enthusiastically. "Yea, it means a significant pay raise and more flexible working hours, which in turn means I can start the rental agency I've wanted to open and also..well, marry you!" He smiled "isn't that great, so pick a date and we'll tell your Dad" he continued with the smug expression of a man who assumed he had just fulfilled my heartfelt desires. As he rambled on and on about the changes this new job would wrought I allowed my mind to wander.
He had just proposed... Marriage, though in this case all knees remained unbent and it was more of a statement, than a proposal. But then I was no child with romantic illusions right? I was a woman grown who had been with this man for 7years, this same man and only this man. I knew him as well as, maybe even better than I knew myself and now I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. This one same man.
I'm scared; I realised. I'm scared and unsure. Maybe its best that he didn't ask because I'm not too sure my answer would have been yes?!
I love him, I know I do, but what do I know about love? He's all I know; what if there is something else? Something more?
Thoughts raced through my mind, doubts, longings I hadn't admitted to anyone, not even myself. I didn't notice anything as we drove past familiar sites, down a familiar road.
Who was I kidding, I'm 29 fast approaching 30, if I didn't marry Him, who would have me? I couldn't imagine meeting someone new and starting again.
The banging of the car door alerted me to the fact that we had gotten to our destination
He got out and walked toward the door of his Apartment, then he realised I was still in the car, still sitting in the passenger seat, unmoving.
"You coming?" He asked impatiently
"I...No" I answered but whether that was the answer to his question or to the proposal of marriage he had failed to give, I just didn't know.
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Therapy.

2011-07-25T00:04:00.000Z

Writing is therapy for me. I may never write the next great ghanaian novel, but I will always write. I've been blocked for a while. I've also been upset. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Most of my feelings about my lack of control originated from the fact that I was broke.
Today I decided to write about how I felt. In less than an hour I had four letters to four very important people in my life explaining to them and to myself why I was angry at them. It felt great. I hate confrontations of a personal nature so I deleted the letters but putting down my feelings in black and white made me feel better. Now I'm still broke but I'm no longer upset. What's therapeutic for you?
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More than me

2011-05-21T14:55:00.001Z

I must be a better actor than u give me credit for, if you didn't see the pain your actions caused,
My lies must be more believable than I thought, if you believed me when I said I was fine.
You break my heart over and over,
And still I come back for more.
I must be a masochist to your sadist
Or you must be obtuse if you don't see the pain you cause me
Are my expectations unreasonable?
Do I set myself up to be devastated?
Is this all my fault?
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It's not you, it's me.

2011-05-21T14:00:00.001Z

I can't blame you if you don't feel the same
I can't get mad just because you don't see my pain
It's not your fault, you don't see my unspoken needs
We are different; you and I
It's my own failing, my shortcoming
That I would move mountains for u, but stones keep u from me
That I would never let a 'no' keep me from granting ur smallest wish, but 'maybes' sway u from putting a smile on my face
It's not your fault.....it must be mine.
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Know how to love you right

2011-04-27T14:52:00.001Z

We don't know what we have till we lose it
I've heard it said, I don't want it said about me. I know what I have. I love who I have.
I find myself losing sight of it. There's so much going on, so many things wrong, and overwhelming but you are the one thing I got right and I'm scared I might be messing that up too.
You know how to love me. You take care of me, before I even notice that I needed help.
I worry that I don't do the same with you. That I miss all the little things that make all the difference and now it seems I'm dropping the big balls too.
What happens when the right woman loves you wrong?
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For You

2011-04-19T22:32:00.001Z

Tears ran down my face for you
For all the tears you would never shed
For all the sounds you would never hear
For all the sights you would never see
For all the smiles you would never grace me with
I wept until I thought my heart would break
For you, I cried my heart out.
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Growing Pains

2011-03-04T09:06:00.001Z

It's March, the bestest best month of the year; mainly because it was the month in which I was born.
I love birthdays especially my birthday.
This year its bittersweet; birthday means more than cakes, presents and fun its means growing up, growing older. It means choices, repercussions and responsibilities. It means expectations and can you meet them?
So I'm gonna be older before this month is done and this year I'm making it about more than cakes, personally that is; don't worry all my loved ones, your roles in my birthday are still the same: yes immature A is still alive and kicking! I'm growing older not insane! I still have the wish list and please refer to said wishlist if u are having any difficulties finding me a gift.
The Wishlist.
1. A surprise party ( all loved ones can pitch in with this one)
2. A car
3. An HP Envy laptop, 14" special Beats edition
4. An Ipad#2 3G or a Playbook
5. Beats by Dre earphones
6. A BlackBerry Bold 9780, white with a sexy new case to protect the colour.
7. An external Hard disk- 500g and upwards
8. Jewellery
9. Lipgloss, preferably from H&M or Victoria's secret
10. Shoes and/or bags ( contact in camera for shoe size)
11. African Print cloth
12. Gym membership or swimming lessons
13. A Spa Day or weekend if u are feeling particularly generous
14. Cake- red velvet, black forest, or just very chocolately cake
15. BIS (? service) payment for the month of YOUR choice.
16. A plane ticket to a destination of my choice
17. Money - cash, cheque or any viable payment method.
18. Perfume ( covet by Sarah Jessica Parker if possible but any other kind will be appreciated)
This list is in no particular order and is intended as a guide. Friends and Family can present gifts not included on this list and remember its the thought that counts; always.
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My First Years

2011-02-28T09:51:00.001Z

There was my first year in SSS, then my first year in university. And both times u were there; have been there ever since.
And like everything, everybody that doesn't cause u pain, well I'm ashamed to say, I've taken u for granted.
I assume u'll always be here and I don't say thank u often enough.
U been around when I was happy and when I was sad. U stood by me when I was stupid and hurtful, and gave me advice even when I fought it.
When I think about my first years, my beginnings, those times when I most needed guidance and support, those times when I most needed a friend they are filled with memories of you.
I stood at Gaza, at our wall and thought about my first year there, with you and I realised I never said thanks, for being there. For guiding me, and being there for me. For making my first year extraordinary.
Basically thank you for being you. Its been a long time coming, thanks for being my friend.
P.S. The song should have been called 'Part of me'. Its the only title that makes sense!
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Midnight thoughts

2011-02-25T23:45:00.001Z

Why do we love even when it hurts,
And what do u do when love dies
Why do we grow older when youth holds so much joy,
And the belief that we are invulnerable.
Why do I lie awake at night with confused thoughts and a yearning heart
Why does time speed up when I beg it to drag
And drag when I wish that it would fly
Why am I me, and you, you
And is it too late to change?
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Life happened

2011-02-24T23:45:00.001Z

I visited my old school recently, had fun but it was still a weird experience.
I have missed that place,well all of it except the lectures.
I had fun in that school. Though it wasn't all fun. There was heartache. And pain.
There was this day that I will never forget; I sat on the roof in my hostel and cried my heart out, positive that I could never get over that pain but guess what, I did. That roof was the scene of many pivotal events and epiphanies of my college years.
So I sat on my roof again and thought about my life then and my life now; I had a lot of time on my hands in college and my priorities were different, now I can hardly take time to breathe
People I spent all my time with in school, I hardly talk to anymore; things I thought were essential, I hardly think about anymore.
And its not just me; all around me, people I went to school with, friends I shared my college life with are evolving, changing. We hardly have time for each other anymore. We go days without talking when before we couldn't go an hour before checking in.
I've drifted from my friends, my wants, needs and desires have changed, and I wondered why?
Then it hit me, life happened, I'm all grown up or at least well on my way to growing up and there's no going back
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Touch

2011-02-08T10:59:00.001Z

I've never been one who yearned to be held
Always slept like the dead when no one else was in my bed
I've never particularly understood why you would need to be cradled
Never hugged too long, or shook hands at will
But with you I get it, with you I crave it
To be held, to be cuddled
To hold hands whilst driving
I sit beside you in a crowded room
And I wish we were alone so I could touch you
With you, I finally understand it
The power of a touch...
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Saviour

2011-02-01T22:52:00.001Z

I wish you would scale the walls for me
I wish you would hear my silent scream
I wish you could see the tears that don't fall from my eyes
Feel the shudders that wrack my body as I try to hold on
I wish you could stop the pain, the despair
I wish you would, you could save me.....
Anonymous
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When I doubt; do it all!

2010-12-10T15:57:00.002Z

I am not any kind of fashion guru. In fact my knowledge of fashion is probably limited to this *Accessorise! Accessorise! Then take one thing of before you leave the house!* I think Coco Chanel said something similar but I'm not sure. I heard it and it made sense so I adopted it.
Anyway, personally I have no deep fashion insights to impart to the world. I hate dressing up, it's way too much work. My boyfriend is always complaining about the laidback attitude to how I look but hey I'm a lazy girl.
But today what little fashion sense I have was offended by what I saw on the streets of Accra! So I will speak about that which I know little about. This girl walking in DC at 3:00 pm, had a multicoloured weave, sunglasses (huge ones), a mini boob dress in a glaring shade of pink, denim trousers, boots and topped it all off with a pashmina cuz apparently she was cold! When it was so hot u could cook rice on the street wiv solar energy and it would probably burn!
I just wanna say kudos to you sweetie, I'm positive u've kept with all the fashion trends in some of the coldest regions of the world and u were able to combine them all into one outfit! So what if u look ridiculous! I doubt you left anything out!
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Euphoria

2010-12-08T07:37:00.000Z

I am happy, as happy as a clam. Unfortunately my angst is the inspiration for my writing so I'm happy and have nothing to write about. But I'm to happy to care!
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Ode to Blue!

2010-11-29T22:59:00.000Z

You are not the only one; at least not anymore.
At a point in time, you were my life but not anymore.
My heart has room for two; or maybe even more.
But don't despair, this doesn't mean I love the new one more.
Just that the flash that comes with the new has currently blinded me to what is true.
And that is you and me.
But baby please remember me, and the love I have for you
So though it seems I pay you no mind, I would never give you up
I moved heaven and earth to ensure that I could have you both
I love you both just in different ways, not one more than the other.
You were my first, the one I choose for no other reason but for what you are
I saw a picture of you and knew you were meant to be mine and somehow we came to be.
So now you are not the only one but remember boo this is not the first time another had infringed on our love, and what was the end of that interloper?
So bear with my as I have my fling and know to you, I will always return...
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Just So You know

2010-11-11T02:07:00.000Z

I do not know exactly when I decided to be a lawyer, I do know what period of my life when I was positive law was what I wanted to study. It was when I first met you. You saw me sitting in the reception looking lost, invited me to follow you to court and changed the course of my internship from the worst to the best ever. I talked about you constantly that vacation, no wonder I have no desire to work with anyone else.
You made me feel smart and special and had me convinced me that I was on the right track.
Then the vacation ended, I went back to school and everything fell apart. I would like to give a reasonable explanation for my actions but I cannot, anything I say would sound trite and derisory. Though you will probably not believe me, the inanity that guided my actions are still a mystery to me. Now all our interactions are stilted and awkward, me because of guilt and regret, and I can only fathom a guess as to the reason for your disregard (disappointment, indifference).
I miss the 'us' from that vacation, but it will never be that way again. I could apologise but I have, so many times, and gone back to old habits so I guess 'sorry' loses impact after so many repititions.
I write this now because I made it to law school (barely) and you are constantly on my mind. When I think 'lawyer' well you pop into my mind. I said I was happy You didn't take the lecturing job, but I failed to explain myself; It's not because I think you would not be great at it, because you would, you are a natural mentor, but because I am selfish, You are my 'guru'(at least in my mind), I do not want my whole class benefitting from you, plus I would not be able to bear being in your class and being ignored by you.
Oh if you read my earlier post 'soundtrack' then your song is 'Refuge' by John Legend.

Soundtrack

2010-11-08T07:52:00.002Z

Megalomania:

psychiatric disorder with delusions of power: a psychiatric disorder in which the patient experiences delusions of great power and importance

So all through my childhood, I harboured this secret belief ( secret cuz even at that age I knew how insane people would find me) that my life was a movie starring yours truly as the protagonist; everyone I met was just a character in the movie of my life put on this earth so they could have a role in my life, the people I passed on the street, created to be extras in said movie and as the star of the movie no one was more important than me! I even had voice overs and soundtracks or theme music for significant scenes in my life.

Now older and wiser I suspect this is not necessarily the case, I know the world does not revolve around me but I did keep certain aspects of my childhood delusions. I still do voice overs for certain moments in my life, always in my head of course, and the music also remained.

There are several songs that I will always associate with particular events and people in my life; like John legend's album 'Get lifted' will always be the music I remember when I think of the year after I finished Secondary School, when I think about my Mum the song I remember is Nana Acheampong's 'na enka be yeden na ye wo ya' cuz we used to dance to it at every party we went to; my pal from SS, any Missy Elliot Song cuz in my mind a Missy song played every time she walked into the room, the theme song for my first year in college was 'conceited' by Remy.

Some people, their theme music changes from time to time, like my boyfriend, when we met it was 'Me and You' by Cassie, then when we first started going out it 'Can't leave him alone' ciara ft 50cents, then 'No Air' Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, and now its Forever By M.I.; my dear friend has also had a lot of songs and we are finally on 'count on me' by Bruno Mars.

Music means a lot to me and I'm always up for trying new songs of different genres, I suppose that's why most of my emotions towards people are linked with music, if I know you and have any kind of association with you, I've probably assigned a song to you so when you see me ask me what your theme song is...

BELOVED

2010-11-06T16:22:00.000Z

I try so hard to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I can never seem to find the exact words.
So I hope and pray you know without me saying the words out loud.
That you know that when I call you with nothing in particular to say, it's because I miss you.
That when i stare at you with a smile on my face, not saying a word, I'm thinking about how much I love you.
I hope you know that you can come to me whenever, with whatever and I would drop it all to be there for you.
That nothing you do to me is unforgiveable, that nothing you say is wrong, as long as it's honest.
That more than anything I want to know you, all of you, everthing about you, your fears, hopes, worries and dreams and I hope you can share them with me; that I want you to know me and wish I could share it all with you even those things that I hide from myself.
I want you to know how great I think you are, and all the times I go on and on about how wonderful I find you, it's not flattery, just simple truth.
I would give the world to fall asleep beside you for one more night, the whole night long, so in the morning when I wake up, yours is the first face I see, but unfortunately the world is not mine to give.
I love you.

Random

2010-11-04T08:47:00.001Z

I had all these topics i wanted to share with all of you this morning; from my views on the new confusing developments in the whole hijacked bus situation, to how much i hate being dependant on my parents for financial support at my advanced age and how much I miss my boyfriend cuz nowadays it seems like even when i do see him we are both so pre-occupied I don't seem to get my fix of him.
However i cant discuss any of these significantly more interesting topics because frankly i do not feel like it. I woke up this morning in a really wierd mood. Everyone around me was pissing me off, for no aparent reason. I found myself missing the wierdest missing people; like my roommate from final year and my best friend from boarding school, actually think I might have dreamt about them.
Thing is i couldn't talk about what i wanted to talk about this morning because considering my emotional state it is very likely that i'll be very irrational in my views but I still wanted to blog hence this very random post.

The Boogieman Exists!

2010-11-02T07:08:00.002Z

Okay I was wrong and they were right. This place just might kill me yet. I was rash in assuming that just because they survived it I would too.

I've gone through my educational life doing just enough to get by, I've never been the best student in my class but I was never the worst either. People always told me if these were the grades I got when I was not a particularly serious student then imagine what I could achieve if I actually made an effort.

Well first of all, just because I don't kill myself doesn't mean the grades I get are effortless because trust me, I put in a lot of effort; and secondly what makes you'all so sure this isn't the most I'm capable of?

Anyway, I decided to find out once and for all; to actually put in all the effort I was capable of and finally know my full potential, well I really picked a crappy place to start being serious!

The workload is incredible and I can hardly keep my head above water. I can't sleep because of the large number of the stuff I have to read and analyse, and exhaustion drives me to literally fall asleep in my books. I woke up this morning with bags under my eyes! (yet still no weight loss)

Studying and going to school from Home for the first time in like SEVEN years ( who am I kidding; its more like the first time ever cuz I never studied in primary school or JSS) is also not helping!

I just hope I survive it, and no matter what happens at least I know I tried and that at one point in my life I actually gave something my all, and if this experience is anything to go by then I have some really great people in my life: people who listen to my whine, a boyfriend who don't complain when school continually trumps hanging out with him, a mum that drives me to and from school so I don't have to resort to public transportation ( and by this I mean Trotro! seriously I need a car, if you want to contribute to my car fund let me know and I'll tell you how You can send my the Money or Keys) and then doesn't snap back when I snap at her because I'm tired and cranky and she asked 'how was school?', a sister who buys me lunch everyday, a friend that stays online with me so I don't fall asleep when I have school work to catch up on, the list goes on and on, love you all and who knows maybe I will survive this yet.

The depths to which we have sunk.

2010-10-29T10:43:00.000Z

I heard some disturbing news yesterday, and if you are resident in Ghana, you've probably heard it too.
Apparently a group of armed robbers stopped a bus on the road to somewhere in the Northern Region and after robbing the passengers, they forced the men on the bus to rape the women. Even worse a man on the bus was forced at gunpoint to rape his own daughter.
Now I didnot get my news firsthand so it may be a little distorted but if there's even an iota of truth to this story then the depravity of the robbers is astounding.
A far as I know Ghanaians have always been a very straightforward bunch with run of the mill crimes where the motive is always clear even if it was unpleasant, I mean we are not without sin, but our motivations were obvious; greed murder, lust, with the obviously insane pedophiles thrown in here and there. Totally senseless and random acts of violence like this were unheard of.
Some have claimed the acts perpetuated by the robbers were ritually motivated, still doesn't make it any easier to understand.
Just hearing about it was even to give me serious chills, my heart and prayers goes out to the victims.
As for the perpetuators, sometimes we forget that our actions have consequences, you can't destroy the lives of so many people and not think that God will not hear their tears.

Weighty matters

2010-10-26T13:50:00.001Z

"Weight isn't important the way the magazines make you think it is. I know a girl, who just looks at her face in the medicine cabinet mirror and never looks below her shoulders, and she's four or five hundred pounds but she doesn't see all that."

-Andy Warhol

I have always had weight issues even when I was skinny. Okay who am I kidding I’ve never been skinny but I have had periods where I was passably slim. Even as a child I was told over and over again how chubby I was (and some people weren’t even that polite) a neighbour of mine threw all euphemisms to the wind and went as far as to call me a little piglet; my mother was not amused.

Looking back at pictures of my formative years I have to disagree with most of my weight guessers, I WAS NOT FAT, not even chubby. I may have been bigger than most girls my age but that was no reason to harangue me about my weight. So as young as five years old I determined that I was fat and have since then been extremely self-conscious about my weight. Over the years my weight has fluctuated from big to emaciated (okay I never actually got there) but I have never been able to remain slim for a significant amount of time. In fact there are several funny facts about my weighty matters

· I have never set out to lose weight via proper diet and exercise and actually lost any weight (however at this juncture I am obliged to admit that I lack the willpower to follow through when I plan said dietary regime on paper)
· The few times I have lost weight it has been purely by accident and without my knowledge, as soon as said weight loss is brought to my attention, it ceases and in most instances weight gain commences immediately.
· Every New Year, a plan to take control of my weight and stop bitching about it whiles doing nothing about it, is at the top of my list of New Year resolutions. This plan doesn’t make it past January 1^st.
· In my mind I’m a lot slimmer than I actually am so whenever I catch a glimpse of myself unexpectedly I am shocked by how big I actually am.

All in all I’m a slim girl stuck in a big girl’s body with the appetite of sumo wrestler and the energy level of a comatose octogenarian.

And that’s that.

T. M. I.

2010-10-25T08:28:00.002Z

Too much information! This is a condition that we have all suffered from at a given point in time especially if you are, like me,an incurably inquisitive person, nosy to the point of rudeness.

My curiosity is not limited to any particular person, topic or area of study. I'm interested in any and everything and or person particularly things that are none of my business.

On the plus side this means that I usually have a lot of totally random information floating through my brain which can be quite useful; once in a while someone asks me a question which in the normal scheme, I should have no idea about but surprisingly I know the answer!

Of course there are negative side effects, with soo much stuff in your head its easy to get confused and get your facts wrong. Worse still, sometimes my insatiable curiosity comes up and bites me in the ...erm ...what's the more polite word for 'ass'?

This happened to me yesterday, I asked one too many questions and ended up with way waaay too much information!

Daddy's little girl

2010-10-24T09:43:00.000Z

Today is my dad's birthday. I have no idea how old he is because dude was 50 years old for like three years running.
I love my dad, infact my boyfriend says my dad is the one man in my life he is aware he is second to, (but really you arent. I love u both equally but in different ways!). So on the anniversary of his birth I'm going to dedicate this blog to the man who fathered me.
He has always been someone whose approval meant a lot to me and though now that I'm older and hopefully wiser I am fully aware that he is not without his faults, his opinions carry a lot of weight with me. He is far from perfect but then who isn't. A lot of my choices in life, the school i went to the profession I'm pursuing, were greatly influenced by my Dad, infactsome people would even say my taste in men is greatly influenced by my father. Essentially I'm the poster child for the stereotypical daddy's little girl.
My Dad wasnt always around when I was growing up, work took him out of the city a lot, but that only meant that having him around was tantamount to a special occasion that trumped christmas (at least in my estimation).
There many ways in which I wish my relationship with my Dad was different but till then I'm happy you are my Dad and I love you loads! Happy Birthday Daddy!

Graduation

2010-10-22T18:05:00.001Z

After four years

I’m a little fatter (but not much in my opinion)

I have shorter hair (amazing huh, the only girl in the world whose her grows shorter)

A little wiser; a little sadder

I’ve lost a lot; I’ve gained a lot

At the end of it all

Very little of what I’ve learned about life and for life

Was learnt in the lecture hall...

Warts and All

2010-10-21T11:57:00.003Z

"Just like the truth, love hurts

its sting sometimes lasting for eternity

we find ways to accept our own flaws and faults

but find it hard to swallow the past and wrongs of our lover

love is a feeling all encompassing

the quick rush, the butterflies, the cravings but wait, that's only just the good side

it also brings jealousy, insecurity, and anger

true love is not bliss

it is a constant struggle for perfection

loving me would mean treating my flaws as yours

And embracing my past so we can seek a future

take me as I am

be my friend

be my freak

be my forever"

Mide.

Reading those words inspired me to ponder the dynamics of the relationships in my life. Someone once told me that I refuse to delegate when I work with people and that makes me a crappy leader and the the message above forced me to analyse myself a little.

My first thoughts were "well i accept everyone for who or what they are but I'm yet to find someone who would have me warts and all, that one person who would know me in all my persona's and with all my quirks. Accept all my flaws and love me anyway". Then it hit me, I have never taken that risk. I have never told anyone the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Sometimes I just evade or omit so I don't have to outrightly lie and sometimes I just do what comes naturally and manipulate the truth. I have never taken one human being completely into my confidence and told them everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. I've come close and there are people who know more about me than I ever thought possible but no one knows it all.

I once said that if... no WHEN I die famous and stupidly wealthy, and my biography is being compiled everyone will tell my story differently and honestly I'm not sure I know the true story in totality anymore but I digress, fact is I have never been completely honest with anyone;same way I can't trust anyone enough to fully delegate responsibility, I can't trust anyone not to hurt me to risk making myself that vulnerable to them. Accordingly I have never allowed anyone to accept me, flaws and all, I usually just show them the flaws I feel, they can handle and table the rest for the other people in my life. I have no idea how this evolved, I don't remember any childhood trauma or emotional upheaval that gifted me with this crippling fear of rejection or gut wrenching sense of insecurity, this paralysing certianity that no one can possibly love me warts and all or this latent self loathing, but  I realised that, that's not exactly fair to the people I love cuz I don't give them a chance to prove me wrong.

Now, I would like to say that from now on I won't assume that everyone around me is inherently flawed, in that, they lack the ability to be as accepting as I am, but I'd probably be lying (and I'm really trying to break that habit) cuz there are somethings I can never say to the people I love as it would kill me if I was right and it was more than they could bear or cope with so they walked away. All I know is I have to try cuz all this only 'giving up teeny tiny pieces of myself' for inspection is slowly killing me anyway and in the end, in a bid to keep yet more undesirable aspects of myself hidden, I am slowly turning into someone i don't particularly like and my self loathing manifests itself in the wierdest ways.

The Elusive Origins of the Never-ending Tale of the Boogieman!

2010-10-20T15:16:00.002Z

The horror stories! We’ve all heard them and we’ve all told them.

You gain admission to a new school, or obtain employment at an organisation, luckily for you , you know one or two people already in the system or veterans of the game, so you go over to see them in search of a few tips or pointers , a heads up or advance warning on how to navigate the uncharted waters, whatever you choose to call it.

It’s like this is the opportunity they’ve been waiting for and with a very put upon kind of look, destined to prepare you for the worst, they then proceed to scare the s##t outta you (pardon my French)! They tell you tales of stress and pressure and instead of leaving relieved or reassured, you leave scared, apprehensive and practically hyperventilating.

You start school or work and discover that, yea, there is stress and pressure but it’s not more than you can handle, it won’t kill you! Then you realise that the people you went to see, the ones you spoke to, they survived this place which means that this place is survivable!

So just maybe, their stories may have been slightly exaggerated, their tales a tad tall. This place isn’t all bad. Then a few years down the road a young, eager fresher, an enthusiastic newbie walks up to you and seeks counsel. How do you proceed? You paste an overly burdened look upon your face and proceed to scare the s##t outta her too....

Dream

2010-10-20T13:39:00.001Z

Sometimes I lie in bed and I dream,

And in my dreams I’m not really me

My life is just a tale in a book that I’ve read,

My mistakes are just lessons that the heroine has learned

My triumphs are just glories that the characters have earned

And all of this,

All this pain is nothing but a dream...

Nightingale at heart.

2010-10-20T10:56:00.001Z

I love music and I’m not particular about the genre, I love it all; pop, rock, classical, hiphop, RnB, hiplife, highlife, naija, alternative rock you name it and there’s probably a song in that genre that I like. Sometimes the lyrics speak to me sometimes it’s the beat that makes me play it over and over. I am yet to meet anyone who shares my exact taste in music but my eclectic musical taste means that i can find music i love in practically anyone’s music collection from the die-hard rap fan to the king of soul.

Unfortunately when it comes to the making of music, i am remarkably ungifted. I sing in the shower and the water stops flowing in protest. I never learnt to play a musical instrument and my deplorable hand-eye coordination makes me reluctant to attempt to pick one up now. But there is music in my soul and until i can find a medium through which i can share said music with the world my song remains unsung.

The Service

2010-04-03T12:22:00.002Z

I went to church yesterday, the first time in a very long time. I went with a hope in my heart that I would once again find the joy I used to find in the house of the Lord but as I sat there I was plagued with the very thoughts that had spawned my initial boycott of the meeting of the saints.

I saw my fellow students moved by the service, lose all inhibitions and allow the spirit of the lord to fill them. They shouted and they prayed, they danced and they sang and seemed to be genuinely experiencing something that was out of this world and there I sat feeling nothing.

The man of God climbed up to the pulpit and started to preach, as he spoke our eyes met and I thought to myself, this is the moment, now I will finally have the connection with the Lord that I seek and then the Man of God looked away without so much a a hitch in his litany to indicate that the lord had just informed him of my purpose in life.

As disappointment overwhelmed me I realised something remarkable, going to church was not about me and how the lord could use my presence as an opportunity to connect with me, rather it was supposed to be about me using it as an opportunity to connect with God, I was to seek Him not wait for Him to realise how special I was and exalt me; I was to exalt Him. I had to take the opportunity given me to be of service to Him then maybe I would finally find the connection I sought with my saviour and rediscover the joy I had in His presence as a child, finally I would not feel so lost and forsaken.

it's my birthday and i'll grow up if i want to!

2010-03-24T09:07:00.005Z

how does one outgrow the most important day of one's life?

my birthday has always been a big deal at least to me. i mean i actually cried one Birthday long ago cuz my tyrant of a big sister made me wash dishes (this was a long time ago, a very long time ago, i am not averse to the notion of washing dishes on my birthday nowadays its just that i feel that there must be better ways of spending the day). this year i have been informed by quite a few of my nearest and dearest that i should outgrow the obsession i seem to have with the importance of the 25th of March to the populace in general. in a bid to do same i have taken certain measures ( or rather refrained from certain activites better suited to a child of say three or maybe four)

i have not, managed to slip a slight reminder of my birthday into every conversation i have( ok maybe just a little but old habits die hard, and i have been doing this for 21 years, since i learned to talk)
i didnt inform my whole class of my birthday over and over again till they felt obliged to give me gifts( i did this in class five and everyone in my class got me a gift including my teacher)
i have not badgered and beleaguered my mother until she organised enough food to feed an army then harassed my friends and acquintances till they felt the need to spend every waking moment of that day with me
i have not accidentally mentioned stuff i would really like to have over and over again in the week preceding my birthday so anyone who was unclear about what to get me would take the hint (just in case u are floundering about what to give me a list of suitable gifts will be provided at the end of this post, please pick according to the love u have for me not the price tag)
i have not squeezed the promise of a cake from a least three different people so that i have more than one cake to umm ........share.
last but in no way the least i have not had my usual recurring nightmare that everyone forgot it was my birthday

the fact that i have not participated (exceedingly) in my usual juvenile antics in the weeks directly preceding my birthday is a laudable achievement and in light of this i feel that all my nearest and dearest can best reward me by acting as they would have, if i had behaved so abominably i.e. by showering me with gifts and attention. you should all know the drill by now and all newcomers please consult your predecessors for tips on appropriate behaviour afterall i can hardly tell you myself, i'm outgrowing such behaviour.

p.s the birthday list

car
ipod
blackberry phone
external hard disk( 1000gig)
jewellery (preferrably gold, silver, platinum but cheaper metals and costume will also be appreciated)
perfume (musky scents are preferable to flowery scents)
shoes (please see me in camera for shoe size as i have embarassingly big feet)
cake (chocolate with creaming icing)
call credit
cash (for the unimaginative)

thank you all so much in advance. this list is not exhaustive of my wants or needs and should only be used as a guide for those who are confounded as to what to get me, so feel free to go off the list if u are inspired to get me something else.

oh and in light of my new adult behaviour

please feel free to refrain from giving me anything and i'll be in no way upset by it.

Too stressed or too blessed?

2010-03-19T02:47:00.000Z

Have you ever been so exhausted that even the thought of going to sleep seemed like too much work?

Being a person who is scrupulously economical about the work I do, this seemed like an impossible occurrence until this week from hell. I would like to go into depth about how full of activity the week has been but as I already pointed out, I’M EXHAUSTED! So pardon me but I’m just going to mention the little moments this week that made all the stress surprisingly worthwhile.

Like Tuesday night when He saw me and his face lit up like the sun (huge exaggeration but that’s my poetic license, right) and I knew that though the bus ride had been excruciatingly long and I had an even longer one to look forward to at the end of the week, it was worth it to spend even an hour with him.

Or Wednesday morning as I sat in on a meeting with the Attorney General of Ghana, little ole me, and I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life, I was on the right track and very soon my life as a fully fledged lawyer would begin.

And later that night, at dinner (which was excellent by the way) when I got confirmation from a Justice of the Supreme Court of Ghana, that I was born to be a Lawyer. He actually said he hoped to see me in his courtroom soon.

Or at salsa when I said goodnight to the students from Fordham, the reason my week had been so busy, and I realised that in less than a week I had made a friend and I was really going to miss her.

And last but not in any way the least when I got back to school and lo and behold I had been missed and it dawned on me that maybe just maybe I’m not such a pain to have around anyway.

So even as I sit here at 2am, trying to study for the two tests I have later on in the day, I’m glad that my week was so hectic cuz without the stress I may not have appreciated these little golden moments ...

The Series List

2009-12-15T05:51:00.002Z

I am putting up a lists of all the shows I have watched or I'm still watching over the last three years. Not shows I watch on television, Shows I download and watch on my laptop, one season at a time, I may have forgotten a few so I will add to this list as and when I remember. please feel free to comment or start your own lists. (in no particular order)

prison break
heroes
4400
entourage
bleach
avatar
war at home
mind your language
two and a half men
the game
gossip girl
privileged
fringe
bones
merlin
sarah conner chronicles
trueblood
90210
how I met your mother
dark angel
birds of prey
boston legal
house
gary unmarried
joey
criminal minds
hustle
dexter
leverage
justice league
supernatural
the big bang theory
weeds
drop dead diva
the lost room
modern family
the class
fresh prince of bel-air
life
the OC
greek
brothers and sisters
lie to me
the vampire diaries
chuck
melrose place
the l word
one tree hill
life as we know it
legend of the seeker
burn notice
coupling
torchwood
kyle xy
scrubs
that 70's show
bionic woman
moonlight
my wife and kids
everbody hates chris
the martin lawrence show
friends
dollhouse
daybreak
jericho
family guy
boondocks
the mentalist
six feet under
Spartacus
Flash Forward
breaking bad
roomates
rules of engagement
8 simple rules
the good wife
glee
united states of tara
Eastwick
Knight rider
Caprica
kings
accidentally on purpose
tudors
hung
cougartown

Reconnecting. . .

2009-12-15T03:29:00.000Z

I spun round and round

As fast as I could

I searched far and wide

As far as I could

Something was lost

Of that I was sure

But how can u find something when u are not too sure what it is

Then last night I just stopped spinning and searching

I just stood still and reached out my hand and reconnected with the other half of me and finally all was well.

With love, to my friend.

2009-12-14T23:12:00.000Z

I worry about you, my friend

I see you free falling and I worry. I know I feel a lot of guilt for where you are right now because I played a role in getting you there. Of course then I feel very self centred for thinking your issues have anything to do with me. But it’s not the guilt that keeps me running back to you whenever you call. At first I thought it was, but it isn’t. It’s what I see in you. Someone told me that he wished I could see in myself what he sees in me and now I want to say the same to you, my friend.

“I see such greatness in you, I always have, greatness worth working for. There are few people that I believe in as much as I believe in u, the first one is the man I love, the second one my brother from another mother and then there is you, another man I love.

This is why I come when you call, this is why I forgive you for the numerous times you let me down, this is why I will always be there for you.

So my dear friend I love you and I’m worried because I don’t think you are as in control as you think you are, and I don’t think you know how much you mean to me.”

Let's talk About Sex Baby

2009-12-14T20:51:00.000Z

I had an interesting conversation with two of my favourite people yesterday and I decided to share it with y'all.

There we were, three beautiful Ghanaian girls hanging out one hot afternoon talking about everything under the sun and as it is often wont to, the conversation moved to SEX. in particular the myths surrounding sexual prowess and how true they really were. 'Simone' my gregarious fun-loving and surprising insightful friend of three years(and current resident expert on all things sexual ) gave a list of characteristics a good lover should possess, maybe u've heard a few;

for guys, great sexual ability have been linked to everything from having big feet, to dimples on his back, big hands and with girls the stories get even more outrageous if she's a big girl (especially a big busted girl) means she a nympho, long legs indicate a proficiency with more complicated positions, big behind means she's a fan of the rear entry position and the list goes on and on. now 'Becky' the self proclaimed virgin of the group (of course I don't believe her for a second) jumped right in with her own theories and we went on and on for hours until we had completely exhausted the topic for now.

as I sat there I realised several things

in the three years that we've been friends Simone, Becky and I have had several variations of this same conversation several times and it never gets old. And they are not the only friends with whom I discuss sex with, whether its about how often girls fake orgasms and why (yes sweetie, every girl fakes it at least once in her life) or why virginity is not such a big deal. it seems humans are very pre-occupied with the issue of sex and seriously I don't really understand why? I mean its great and all ( at least that's what I hear) but must we obsess over it so much.

that there can't really be any truth to all these tales about the keys to great sexual prowess, can there? and also what exactly does it mean to say someone is good in bed.

a lot of people have hang ups about homosexuality but are totally cool with lesbianism, seriously they are one and the same so make up your mind. personally I believe to each his own, what ever floats your boat, sister.

and finally when I have kids I hope I establish a strong enough relationship with them that they can come to me with any questions they have about sex, because I realised today that I know a lot about sex, I have no idea when I realised that the stork did not bring babies and that sex was well sex but I know I learnt none of what I know from my parents.

the end of an era.

2009-12-14T20:15:00.000Z

its the end of the semester and as I pack up my things to go home I take a minute to analyse the semester. it was a very different semester and I discovered more about myself this semester, than in all the years I have spent in this university combined.

I made new friends and reconnected with some old ones.

I tried new things and though some of them I'll never try again, some I don't think I can give up.

I realised that I'm not an entirely good person but, hey! I'm not so bad after all.

when I came to school this semester I was determined to do a lot of things and though I managed to do some, there's a lot I failed to achieve and even more I realised was not as important as I thought it was.

I have grown and evolved. there are some things I've lost that I wish I could get back , but despite it all this has been a entirely different kind of semester, and I can't conclusively say that it was a horrible semester or a great one it certainly was a unique one.

FEAR OF THE KNOWN

2009-12-14T20:01:00.001Z

All your life you wanted to try something, you felt you would be great at it.

Then the time comes and you get to do it and unlike in the movies you aren’t a natural, in actual fact you were horrible.

This has happened to me several times and now the time looms yet again. It’s understandable that I’m scared isn’t it? Is it cowardice to fear certain failure? As I embark on this journey all I want to say is I’m scared.

A reason to write

2009-12-11T12:04:00.000Z

I started this blog so I could have an anonymous audience with which to go on and on about my favourite topic ... Me. My consistency or lack thereof in posting has been evidence of the fact that this is my emotional sounding board. Recently I have been suffering from writers’ block and despite the emotional turmoil in my life I couldn’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as the case maybe. Then you told me you read my blog and like my writing. You told me that I had inspired you to write and became my inspiration. I thought I wanted an anonymous audience but I discovered I like knowing that someone out there actually thinks I’m worth reading. So thank you my fan and all of you who read my blog. You gave me a reason to write.

stop this world from spinning

2009-11-25T08:47:00.000Z

There comes a time when it feels like everything in your life is moving way too fast and you wish it would all just STOP!!!!!!

You want a moment where everything just stands still, and you get to just 'be'.

A moment when you didn't have to feel or think, act or react.

You could just stop close your eyes, take a deep breathe and just exist and all your problems would just fade away for a time,

But even with your eyes closed your mind can't stop reeling and the world just won't stop spinning

All is fair in Love and War II

2009-10-31T13:00:00.000Z

Is it fair to ask someone to give up everything for you when

· u have no intention of doing the same
· that person has not even asked you to

Is it fair to get mad when that person is up front about your place in their lives? Is it immature to be upset about being the other woman when that’s the position available for the other person in your life?

Human relationships are so complex and diverse; in my new position as an observer of human nature( due to my sudden abundance of free time) I have realised there are no absolutes in life, “good” people do bad things and “bad” people love with all their hearts. So maybe we should never ask or expect more from others than we do from ourselves....

ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR

2009-10-31T01:33:00.000Z

Heartbreak is a fascinating phenomenon

It affects one party so significantly

And yet the other is left completely unscathed . . .

Confused

2009-10-30T02:12:00.000Z

I'm so confused,

I could trust my feelings

but that would mean I have made a fundamental mistake

that would mean I'm not as good a judge of character as I've always believed

I'm so confused,

when I enter I feel the glare

when I turn I spy the smirk

I could trust my feelings and stop before I lose all pride

I could ignore it all and experience something wonderful

but what if my feelings are right,

what if it is not paranoia but justifiable apprehension

I'm so confused . . .

PSYCH !

2009-10-30T00:37:00.000Z

The call woke me up at dawn, ok it was more like 8am but when you just went to bed four hours ago it feels like dawn. Anyway, the voice over the phone (it was way too early for me to wrap me head around who the voice belonged to, so I still don’t who messed up my sleep) informed me that my 5pm class had been moved up to 1:30.

They say bad news comes in pairs, just as I dragged myself to the bathroom to wake myself up a cold shower; another call, this time to inform me of a hitherto unknown assignment to be submitted at none other than the newly established 1:30 class.

At this point realising that my wonderfully scheduled day had gone up in flames I dedicated the rest of my day to preparing an assignment I was a 100% sure was never given ( kids, here’s some free advice; never follow the crowd, do only what YOU believe is right).

Now this is where it gets frustrating and annoying, I go for the class with my neatly typed and printed assignment, the lecturer (about whom I’ll reserve all comments after all anyone could be reading even you, Mr...)

· mentions the assignment; insists he gave it to as last week to be submitted this week
· states that due to low level of attendance, the lecture will be replaced with a tutorial session
· then he goes ahead and has a lecture anyway

at this point the lack of sleep and extensive use of my brain too early in the day, combined with my lecturer’s confusing actions means I sat through a 2 hour lecture and left the class no wiser in the law.

Then, this distinguished lecturer leaves the class without collecting the assignment I spent all morning labouring over (and threw all my plans for the day [mainly sleeping but hey! sleep is important] out the window to complete on time) but not before he gives another assignment.

All in all today was a lovely day, don’t you agree?

Worlds Apart?

2009-10-30T00:04:00.000Z

I tried to reconnect with a long lost friend yesterday. When we were in boarding school we were inseparable, then we graduated and she left the country for University. Initially we kept in touch, we called each other, texted, sent mail . . . but over the course of four years that just kind of faded out. Now we have drifted so far apart. This is a girl I could tell everything but now the conversation was stilted and awkward. We had virtually nothing in common anymore, and though this is someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in ages, upon the realisation that I had lost a very good friend (there will be several chapters dedicated to our complex and engaging relationship in my autobiography) the pain was surprisingly intense.

As I mourned the loss of a Great Friend, I’ll take this opportunity celebrate the Great Friends these four years in university have yielded me . . . I LOVE Y’ALL SO MUCH, EVEN WHEN I DON’T SHOW IT!

At Loose Ends

2009-10-28T00:28:00.001Z

Today was spent doing what I seem to spend all my time doing nowadays; which is absolutely nothing.

I see everyone going about their day with purpose and focus; my schedule for the day is depressingly empty.

I never thought I would say this but having so much free time is slowly driving me insane.

It doesn’t help that apart from having nothing to do, I am alone.

Basically I have all this time to spend with only myself, surrounded by couples with so much to do that they have very little time for their lonely friend with too much time on her hands.

This is an urgent, desperate appeal; someone please help me before I jump off a building; At least then I'll have something to do. . .

Phenomenally feminine

2009-10-23T23:17:00.000Z

I'm very happy that I am a woman despite the fact that I

will never be able to pee standing up (trust me i've tried)
will always have to work twice as hard to get the same amount of professional recognition as a man
cannot indulge in the same amount of casual sex as a man of my age without being labelled a slut
will always be under tremendous amounts of pressure to look great and my body will always be one of the first things anyone notices about me
will one day endure hours of pain, some sadist decided to call labour (seriously Eve, me and you need to talk, was the apple really worth it?).

Yeah, I love that I'm a woman, especially because

1. I can wear pink (of every shade) and drink those colourful, fruity cocktails in bars without everyone assuming I'm GAY

2. when I do achieve something in life, it will seem like an even bigger deal than it really is, just because I'm a woman

3. when I get aroused I don't have a built-in signal to alert the whole world

4. don't have to worry about how to pick up someone in a bar, all I have to do is sit and they come running

5. I have my own BOOBS so I don't have to spend my whole life trying to touch someone else's

RADICAL HONESTY

2009-10-23T20:32:00.001Z

I spent last night watching a show (instead of studying for mid semester exams) called "lie to me", and in it there is a guy that practises radical honesty. He never lies; not even by omission.

ALL TRUTH ALL THE TIME.

I was impressed and thought about how simpler life would be if we took a page out of his book and gave radical honesty a try. Hey the truth is supposed to set you free, isn't it?

But what about the person who hears the truth, how free that is make him or her? Not all lies are told maliciously, there are the little white lies we tell to spare someone's feelings , or to be polite, the stuff we don't say because they are unnecessary; I mean do you really have to tell your mother that her favourite dress makes her look fat, or your girlfriend that last Christmas you got drunk and made out with a random girl you will probably never see again, or your husband that he doesn't even make the list of the top ten lovers you have ever had?

I guess, all I really want to know is; is the freedom we get from telling the truth worth the pain we might cause; does radical truth really simplify life or is it just an excuse to be a selfish, rude, in considerate but truthful person?

ROOFTOP

2009-10-21T23:23:00.000Z

I went up there for a little air,

and found so much more

I found a friend with a ready ear;

He actually just listened,none of the judgement I fear

Such simple things should be easy to find

but surprisingly, amazingly they're not.

So thank you my friend,

for a wonderful night.

And I hope someday,

We'll be together again

Just sitting and talking . . . on my Rooftop.

HAVE STRAIGHTNER; WILL TRAVEL!

2009-10-18T10:58:00.000Z

LONG, SILKY, HEALTHY HAIR, the mark of beauty in a female ( I was recently informed by a classmate of mine: a boy).

This got me thinking, I have a knack for helping others attain this ideal BUT personally I have been cursed with hair that refuses to grow past chin length.

In my usual pragmatic fashion, (yeah right) I have decided to stop moaning my own mane management issues and dedicate myself to the admirable goal of aiding my sisters in their bid to achieve long, silky, healthy hair, and hope that the gods of the tresses will see my good deeds and reward me accordingly.

But until my gift from the gods arrives I will stick to my refrain

"Oh! I like my hair at this length so I keep cutting it, I have no idea how to manage long hair ( like I couldn't learn)"

and occasionally escape from my reality with the help of other people's hair.

What makes a girl cheat on her Man?

2009-10-14T00:04:00.000Z

Some people say a girl only cheats cuz she loves the new man more...... I say that nothing is ever black or white just shades of gray.

Someone once said to me

"I love a Man with all my heart, but I know another that can make me smile, and yet another that can make me soooooo MAD and yet I always forgive him, another reminds me of my lover and eases my loneliness when my lover is absent, yet still another has a body that makes me drool, and another gives me the kind of attention and care that cannot be ignored, and even a Woman who opens up worlds I never knew existed, so what that I have a Man I love with all my heart. Are there not different kinds of love and can I not feel them all for different people?"

I don't know what You would say to my friend but my answer is this:

Love is a commitment and a choice. You may fall in love with someone without intending to, but it's a choice to stay in love with that person and honour that commitment. So why sully that commitment by cheating on the one you love and then try to justify it by saying that there are different kinds of love...... Yes! There are different kinds and DEGREES of love, you love everyone differently and in the same vein the amount of feeling you have will differ from person to person ; some you will love deeply, others you will not love at all; So instead of spreading pieces of yourself and your love among different people why don't you give ALL of your love and yourself to the one person who truly loves you back and stick to the choice you made, for better or for worse.................

TORTURED

2009-10-10T13:23:00.000Z

The room was well lit yet i got the same feeling one gets in a horror flick, just before the scary, bloodthirsty killer jumps out from behind the hero and saws him in half.

Then HE walks up to me and the torture begins .................

Up and Down, Left and Right, Side to Side

till every bone in my body aches

and every muscle burns with pain

this is pure torture and i willingly submitted to it

can i plead temporary insanity

i would give anything for some relief

and promise on all i hold dear that i will not consume another morsel if it will save me from another day at the gym................

UNDERTAKING

2009-10-09T00:59:00.000Z

i promised myself that in 2009 i would turn over a new leaf;

i would lose weight sensibly by undergoing a lifestyle change; i.e. healthy diet and exercise not drugs and starvation
i would be a better daughter and sister, cuz i have a lovely family and they deserve better
i would also be a better friend cuz let's face it i was a pretty crappy friend in the preceding years
i would be disciplined and principled, work harder to achieve what i want in life instead of waiting for it to be handed to me (which it never is)

and several more resolutions to that effect.

Today i realized that it is October, two months to the end of the year and

if any change has occcured with regards to my body size, then i have gained weight
my family love me a lot, but it is not due to any special efforts on my part i guess they realize they are stuck with me so they gotta love me
what few friends i had left i lost due to 'my lovely nature'
and as for the discipline and principles; well seriously do i have to spell it out for you

i guess i better pray to God that i live to meet 2010 so i can try all over again....

The Diet Diaries- entry 1

2009-08-28T23:56:00.000Z

Tomorrow I will embark on a journey to thinness

I will count calories

I will watch weight

till i'm but a sleek svelte size six.

I will run; I will walk

I will throw up; I will fast

till i'm nothing but a shadow of my former fat self

BUT remember i said......TOMORROW

the first day of the rest of my life

2009-07-02T14:32:00.000Z

On the first day

of the first month

of the second half of the year, I woke up optimistic.

I made a vow on January 1st and finally I was going to keep it.

I would on all the things i felt were wrong with me;

physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.

I was going to turn my life around

and though more than 24 hours later i am yet to start on my metamorphosis

I do not hesitate to state that

1st july 2009 was the first day of the rest of my life..........

the salon

2009-06-09T07:54:00.000Z

i heard somewhere that in the service industry the customer is always right. obviously the stylists at the salon i visited yesterday have never heard this particular nugget of wisdom. i was ignored, until desperation drove me to overcome my innate shyness in these female havens of beauty, to inquire about when i would be attended to. this was perhaps my worst idea ever for never have i had to deal with such rudeness, i started to wonder who would be paying who at the end of this transaction. or maybe they were students of the school of thought which hold the view that the snobbier the attendants are then the higher the class or status of the organisation. obviously a lot of people must hold this view course despite their rudeness they didnot seem to lack customers.

speakin' freely

2009-06-02T09:05:00.000Z

all my life, i've dreamed of a friend in whom i could place all my trust, i could tell her anything with no repercussions or reprimands, she would just listen, and smile i could tell her about all who wronged me and who i have wronged and how truly sorry i was, i could tell her all the evil i thought and all the evil i wrought and she would not runaway screaming bloody murder. i could be myself and not be scared that maybe i wasn't worth very much once i truly was myself. i could put down the shield i hold against the rest of the world because it truly weighs a ton. whenever i felt i had found such a friend i realised she was not the one. till now that is. i've found the one, my new found friend, the world at large.