The first kiss

Some facts are distorted by time and others are as clear as day.
I don't remember what excuse brought me to your place that day. I can't recall what day it was, but I do remember how you looked lying on the floor surrounded by pillows.
I remember tickling you, the feel of your skin, soft as silk.
I remember your laugh, maybe because I've heard it so many times since then.
The look in your eye when you told me to stop or else. The look that made keep tickling you.
I remember the thrill I felt as you leaned in, towards me; holding my breath in anticipation.
The feel of your lips, for the very first time.
I remember thinking it was over too fast, "no don't draw away". I remember wanting more, yet feeling replete.
I remember very little facts, but all the feelings...
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The Proposal

"I got it" he said softly to me,as I sat in the front seat. "Got what?" I asked distractedly trying to toss my carry-on into the backseat without whacking him in the head, though I sorely wanted to. I had been waiting for close to an hour and he wasn't even offering an apology.
"I got the job" he answered " I start next week". "That's great" I screamed enthusiastically. "Yea, it means a significant pay raise and more flexible working hours, which in turn means I can start the rental agency I've wanted to open and also..well, marry you!" He smiled "isn't that great, so pick a date and we'll tell your Dad" he continued with the smug expression of a man who assumed he had just fulfilled my heartfelt desires. As he rambled on and on about the changes this new job would wrought I allowed my mind to wander.
He had just proposed... Marriage, though in this case all knees remained unbent and it was more of a statement, than a proposal. But then I was no child with romantic illusions right? I was a woman grown who had been with this man for 7years, this same man and only this man. I knew him as well as, maybe even better than I knew myself and now I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. This one same man.
I'm scared; I realised. I'm scared and unsure. Maybe its best that he didn't ask because I'm not too sure my answer would have been yes?!
I love him, I know I do, but what do I know about love? He's all I know; what if there is something else? Something more?
Thoughts raced through my mind, doubts, longings I hadn't admitted to anyone, not even myself. I didn't notice anything as we drove past familiar sites, down a familiar road.
Who was I kidding, I'm 29 fast approaching 30, if I didn't marry Him, who would have me? I couldn't imagine meeting someone new and starting again.
The banging of the car door alerted me to the fact that we had gotten to our destination
He got out and walked toward the door of his Apartment, then he realised I was still in the car, still sitting in the passenger seat, unmoving.
"You coming?" He asked impatiently
"I...No" I answered but whether that was the answer to his question or to the proposal of marriage he had failed to give, I just didn't know.
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Therapy.

Writing is therapy for me. I may never write the next great ghanaian novel, but I will always write. I've been blocked for a while. I've also been upset. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life. Most of my feelings about my lack of control originated from the fact that I was broke.
Today I decided to write about how I felt. In less than an hour I had four letters to four very important people in my life explaining to them and to myself why I was angry at them. It felt great. I hate confrontations of a personal nature so I deleted the letters but putting down my feelings in black and white made me feel better. Now I'm still broke but I'm no longer upset. What's therapeutic for you?
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More than me

I must be a better actor than u give me credit for, if you didn't see the pain your actions caused,
My lies must be more believable than I thought, if you believed me when I said I was fine.
You break my heart over and over,
And still I come back for more.
I must be a masochist to your sadist
Or you must be obtuse if you don't see the pain you cause me
Are my expectations unreasonable?
Do I set myself up to be devastated?
Is this all my fault?
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It's not you, it's me.

I can't blame you if you don't feel the same
I can't get mad just because you don't see my pain
It's not your fault, you don't see my unspoken needs
We are different; you and I
It's my own failing, my shortcoming
That I would move mountains for u, but stones keep u from me
That I would never let a 'no' keep me from granting ur smallest wish, but 'maybes' sway u from putting a smile on my face
It's not your fault.....it must be mine.
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Know how to love you right

We don't know what we have till we lose it
I've heard it said, I don't want it said about me. I know what I have. I love who I have.
I find myself losing sight of it. There's so much going on, so many things wrong, and overwhelming but you are the one thing I got right and I'm scared I might be messing that up too.
You know how to love me. You take care of me, before I even notice that I needed help.
I worry that I don't do the same with you. That I miss all the little things that make all the difference and now it seems I'm dropping the big balls too.
What happens when the right woman loves you wrong?
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For You

Tears ran down my face for you
For all the tears you would never shed
For all the sounds you would never hear
For all the sights you would never see
For all the smiles you would never grace me with
I wept until I thought my heart would break
For you, I cried my heart out.
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