Friday, January 20, 2012

CHAOS

I sit here moving the food around on my plate. I have lost my appetite and knowing me that's a big deal, I look up at you across the table from me. you haven't made much of dent in your meal either, I guess you are mad at me.
I understand your anger, I would be mad too if someone kept snapping at me all the time for every little thing. I give up the pretence of eating and go for what I really need; a drink. you look at me with accusations in your eyes, I ignore you.
Yes! I have been drinking a lot recently, Yes! I have been a bitch and then some, but truth is I'm heartbroken and I feel like there is no coming back from what happened. I know I said I had forgiven you and when I said it, I meant it. When I hear your voice, see your face I can forgive you for anything. Then afterwards, when I'm on my own I start to worry and the pain and confusion come back and I get upset all over again.
Worst part of all of this is the confusion I feel about everything. Someone once told me that what starts in chaos ends in chaos; so considering the chaotic way we came together a part of me has been waiting for the chaotic finale and I can't help feeling like it's here; that we are over.
I can't live without you, but right now I can't seem to live with you. I love you, God knows I love you but I'm soo angry.
I turn to look at you and it all falls away, the anger, the confusion, the pain, in this moment I know that all I want is you. I love you. I walk over to you, put down my drink, hold your face and say, "I love you, I'm sorry it took me this long to realise that that was more important than anything you may have done to me, please don't be mad at me any more."
You look at me and smile and suddenly there is sense in the chaos.

2 comments:

  1. eiii!!! u wrote something!! *faints*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmm... this is so deep and sad. Why do the things that make us happy make us so sad? Life!

    ReplyDelete