When I doubt; do it all!

I am not any kind of fashion guru. In fact my knowledge of fashion is probably limited to this *Accessorise! Accessorise! Then take one thing of before you leave the house!* I think Coco Chanel said something similar but I'm not sure. I heard it and it made sense so I adopted it.
Anyway, personally I have no deep fashion insights to impart to the world. I hate dressing up, it's way too much work. My boyfriend is always complaining about the laidback attitude to how I look but hey I'm a lazy girl.
But today what little fashion sense I have was offended by what I saw on the streets of Accra! So I will speak about that which I know little about. This girl walking in DC at 3:00 pm, had a multicoloured weave, sunglasses (huge ones), a mini boob dress in a glaring shade of pink, denim trousers, boots and topped it all off with a pashmina cuz apparently she was cold! When it was so hot u could cook rice on the street wiv solar energy and it would probably burn!
I just wanna say kudos to you sweetie, I'm positive u've kept with all the fashion trends in some of the coldest regions of the world and u were able to combine them all into one outfit! So what if u look ridiculous! I doubt you left anything out!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from MTN Ghana

Euphoria

I am happy, as happy as a clam. Unfortunately my angst is the inspiration for my writing so I'm happy and have nothing to write about. But I'm to happy to care!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from MTN Ghana

Ode to Blue!

You are not the only one; at least not anymore.
At a point in time, you were my life but not anymore.
My heart has room for two; or maybe even more.
But don't despair, this doesn't mean I love the new one more.
Just that the flash that comes with the new has currently blinded me to what is true.
And that is you and me.
But baby please remember me, and the love I have for you
So though it seems I pay you no mind, I would never give you up
I moved heaven and earth to ensure that I could have you both
I love you both just in different ways, not one more than the other.
You were my first, the one I choose for no other reason but for what you are
I saw a picture of you and knew you were meant to be mine and somehow we came to be.
So now you are not the only one but remember boo this is not the first time another had infringed on our love, and what was the end of that interloper?
So bear with my as I have my fling and know to you, I will always return...
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from MTN Ghana

Just So You know

I do not know exactly when I decided to be a lawyer, I do know what period of my life when I was positive law was what I wanted to study. It was when I first met you. You saw me sitting in the reception looking lost, invited me to follow you to court and changed the course of my internship from the worst to the best ever. I talked about you constantly that vacation, no wonder I have no desire to work with anyone else.
You made me feel smart and special and had me convinced me that I was on the right track.
Then the vacation ended, I went back to school and everything fell apart. I would like to give a reasonable explanation for my actions but I cannot, anything I say would sound trite and derisory. Though you will probably not believe me, the inanity that guided my actions are still a mystery to me. Now all our interactions are stilted and awkward, me because of guilt and regret, and I can only fathom a guess as to the reason for your disregard (disappointment, indifference).
I miss the 'us' from that vacation, but it will never be that way again. I could apologise but I have, so many times, and gone back to old habits so I guess 'sorry' loses impact after so many repititions.
I write this now because I made it to law school (barely) and you are constantly on my mind. When I think 'lawyer' well you pop into my mind. I said I was happy You didn't take the lecturing job, but I failed to explain myself; It's not because I think you would not be great at it, because you would, you are a natural mentor, but because I am selfish, You are my 'guru'(at least in my mind), I do not want my whole class benefitting from you, plus I would not be able to bear being in your class and being ignored by you.
Oh if you read my earlier post 'soundtrack' then your song is 'Refuge' by John Legend.

Soundtrack

Megalomania:

psychiatric disorder with delusions of power: a psychiatric disorder in which the patient experiences delusions of great power and importance

Microsoft® Encarta® 2009. © 1993-2008 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

So all through my childhood, I harboured this secret belief ( secret cuz even at that age I knew how insane people would find me) that my life was a movie starring yours truly as the protagonist; everyone I met was just a character in the movie of my life put on this earth so they could have a role in my life, the people I passed on the street, created to be extras in said movie and as the star of the movie no one was more important than me! I even had voice overs and soundtracks or theme music for significant scenes in my life.

Now older and wiser I suspect this is not necessarily the case, I know the world does not revolve around me but I did keep certain aspects of my childhood delusions. I still do voice overs for certain moments in my life, always in my head of course, and the music also remained.

There are several songs that I will always associate with particular events and people in my life; like John legend's album 'Get lifted' will always be the music I remember when I think of the year after I finished Secondary School, when I think about my Mum the song I remember is Nana Acheampong's 'na enka be yeden na ye wo ya' cuz we used to dance to it at every party we went to; my pal from SS, any Missy Elliot Song cuz in my mind a Missy song played every time she walked into the room, the theme song for my first year in college was 'conceited' by Remy.

Some people, their theme music changes from time to time, like my boyfriend, when we met it was 'Me and You' by Cassie, then when we first started going out it 'Can't leave him alone' ciara ft 50cents, then 'No Air' Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, and now its Forever By M.I.; my dear friend has also had a lot of songs and we are finally on 'count on me' by Bruno Mars.

Music means a lot to me and I'm always up for trying new songs of different genres, I suppose that's why most of my emotions towards people are linked with music, if I know you and have any kind of association with you, I've probably assigned a song to you so when you see me ask me what your theme song is...

BELOVED

I try so hard to tell you exactly how I feel about you but I can never seem to find the exact words.
So I hope and pray you know without me saying the words out loud.
That you know that when I call you with nothing in particular to say, it's because I miss you.
That when i stare at you with a smile on my face, not saying a word, I'm thinking about how much I love you.
I hope you know that you can come to me whenever, with whatever and I would drop it all to be there for you.
That nothing you do to me is unforgiveable, that nothing you say is wrong, as long as it's honest.
That more than anything I want to know you, all of you, everthing about you, your fears, hopes, worries and dreams and I hope you can share them with me; that I want you to know me and wish I could share it all with you even those things that I hide from myself.
I want you to know how great I think you are, and all the times I go on and on about how wonderful I find you, it's not flattery, just simple truth.
I would give the world to fall asleep beside you for one more night, the whole night long, so in the morning when I wake up, yours is the first face I see, but unfortunately the world is not mine to give.
I love you.

Random

I had all these topics i wanted to share with all of you this morning; from my views on the new confusing developments in the whole hijacked bus situation, to how much i hate being dependant on my parents for financial support at my advanced age and how much I miss my boyfriend cuz nowadays it seems like even when i do see him we are both so pre-occupied I don't seem to get my fix of him.
However i cant discuss any of these significantly more interesting topics because frankly i do not feel like it. I woke up this morning in a really wierd mood. Everyone around me was pissing me off, for no aparent reason. I found myself missing the wierdest missing people; like my roommate from final year and my best friend from boarding school, actually think I might have dreamt about them.
Thing is i couldn't talk about what i wanted to talk about this morning because considering my emotional state it is very likely that i'll be very irrational in my views but I still wanted to blog hence this very random post.

The Boogieman Exists!

Okay I was wrong and they were right. This place just might kill me yet. I was rash in assuming that just because they survived it I would too.

I've gone through my educational life doing just enough to get by, I've never been the best student in my class but I was never the worst either. People always told me if these were the grades I got when I was not a particularly serious student then imagine what I could achieve if I actually made an effort.

Well first of all, just because I don't kill myself doesn't mean the grades I get are effortless because trust me, I put in a lot of effort; and secondly what makes you'all so sure this isn't the most I'm capable of?

Anyway, I decided to find out once and for all; to actually put in all the effort I was capable of and finally know my full potential, well I really picked a crappy place to start being serious!

The workload is incredible and I can hardly keep my head above water. I can't sleep because of the large number of the stuff I have to read and analyse, and exhaustion drives me to literally fall asleep in my books. I woke up this morning with bags under my eyes! (yet still no weight loss)

Studying and going to school from Home for the first time in like SEVEN years ( who am I kidding; its more like the first time ever cuz I never studied in primary school or JSS) is also not helping!

I just hope I survive it, and no matter what happens at least I know I tried and that at one point in my life I actually gave something my all, and if this experience is anything to go by then I have some really great people in my life: people who listen to my whine, a boyfriend who don't complain when school continually trumps hanging out with him, a mum that drives me to and from school so I don't have to resort to public transportation ( and by this I mean Trotro! seriously I need a car, if you want to contribute to my car fund let me know and I'll tell you how You can send my the Money or Keys) and then doesn't snap back when I snap at her because I'm tired and cranky and she asked 'how was school?', a sister who buys me lunch everyday, a friend that stays online with me so I don't fall asleep when I have school work to catch up on, the list goes on and on, love you all and who knows maybe I will survive this yet.

The depths to which we have sunk.

I heard some disturbing news yesterday, and if you are resident in Ghana, you've probably heard it too.
Apparently a group of armed robbers stopped a bus on the road to somewhere in the Northern Region and after robbing the passengers, they forced the men on the bus to rape the women. Even worse a man on the bus was forced at gunpoint to rape his own daughter.
Now I didnot get my news firsthand so it may be a little distorted but if there's even an iota of truth to this story then the depravity of the robbers is astounding.
A far as I know Ghanaians have always been a very straightforward bunch with run of the mill crimes where the motive is always clear even if it was unpleasant, I mean we are not without sin, but our motivations were obvious; greed murder, lust, with the obviously insane pedophiles thrown in here and there. Totally senseless and random acts of violence like this were unheard of.
Some have claimed the acts perpetuated by the robbers were ritually motivated, still doesn't make it any easier to understand.
Just hearing about it was even to give me serious chills, my heart and prayers goes out to the victims.
As for the perpetuators, sometimes we forget that our actions have consequences, you can't destroy the lives of so many people and not think that God will not hear their tears.

Weighty matters

"Weight isn't important the way the magazines make you think it is. I know a girl, who just looks at her face in the medicine cabinet mirror and never looks below her shoulders, and she's four or five hundred pounds but she doesn't see all that."

-Andy Warhol

I have always had weight issues even when I was skinny. Okay who am I kidding I’ve never been skinny but I have had periods where I was passably slim. Even as a child I was told over and over again how chubby I was (and some people weren’t even that polite) a neighbour of mine threw all euphemisms to the wind and went as far as to call me a little piglet; my mother was not amused.

Looking back at pictures of my formative years I have to disagree with most of my weight guessers, I WAS NOT FAT, not even chubby. I may have been bigger than most girls my age but that was no reason to harangue me about my weight. So as young as five years old I determined that I was fat and have since then been extremely self-conscious about my weight. Over the years my weight has fluctuated from big to emaciated (okay I never actually got there) but I have never been able to remain slim for a significant amount of time. In fact there are several funny facts about my weighty matters

• · I have never set out to lose weight via proper diet and exercise and actually lost any weight (however at this juncture I am obliged to admit that I lack the willpower to follow through when I plan said dietary regime on paper)
• · The few times I have lost weight it has been purely by accident and without my knowledge, as soon as said weight loss is brought to my attention, it ceases and in most instances weight gain commences immediately.
• · Every New Year, a plan to take control of my weight and stop bitching about it whiles doing nothing about it, is at the top of my list of New Year resolutions. This plan doesn’t make it past January 1^st.
• · In my mind I’m a lot slimmer than I actually am so whenever I catch a glimpse of myself unexpectedly I am shocked by how big I actually am.

All in all I’m a slim girl stuck in a big girl’s body with the appetite of sumo wrestler and the energy level of a comatose octogenarian.

And that’s that.

T. M. I.

Too much information! This is a condition that we have all suffered from at a given point in time especially if you are, like me,an incurably inquisitive person, nosy to the point of rudeness.

My curiosity is not limited to any particular person, topic or area of study. I'm interested in any and everything and or person particularly things that are none of my business.

On the plus side this means that I usually have a lot of totally random information floating through my brain which can be quite useful; once in a while someone asks me a question which in the normal scheme, I should have no idea about but surprisingly I know the answer!

Of course there are negative side effects, with soo much stuff in your head its easy to get confused and get your facts wrong. Worse still, sometimes my insatiable curiosity comes up and bites me in the ...erm ...what's the more polite word for 'ass'?

This happened to me yesterday, I asked one too many questions and ended up with way waaay too much information!

Daddy's little girl

Today is my dad's birthday. I have no idea how old he is because dude was 50 years old for like three years running.
I love my dad, infact my boyfriend says my dad is the one man in my life he is aware he is second to, (but really you arent. I love u both equally but in different ways!). So on the anniversary of his birth I'm going to dedicate this blog to the man who fathered me.
He has always been someone whose approval meant a lot to me and though now that I'm older and hopefully wiser I am fully aware that he is not without his faults, his opinions carry a lot of weight with me. He is far from perfect but then who isn't. A lot of my choices in life, the school i went to the profession I'm pursuing, were greatly influenced by my Dad, infactsome people would even say my taste in men is greatly influenced by my father. Essentially I'm the poster child for the stereotypical daddy's little girl.
My Dad wasnt always around when I was growing up, work took him out of the city a lot, but that only meant that having him around was tantamount to a special occasion that trumped christmas (at least in my estimation).
There many ways in which I wish my relationship with my Dad was different but till then I'm happy you are my Dad and I love you loads! Happy Birthday Daddy!

Graduation

After four years

I’m a little fatter (but not much in my opinion)

I have shorter hair (amazing huh, the only girl in the world whose her grows shorter)

A little wiser; a little sadder

I’ve lost a lot; I’ve gained a lot

At the end of it all

Very little of what I’ve learned about life and for life

Was learnt in the lecture hall...

Warts and All

"Just like the truth, love hurts

its sting sometimes lasting for eternity

we find ways to accept our own flaws and faults

but find it hard to swallow the past and wrongs of our lover

love is a feeling all encompassing

the quick rush, the butterflies, the cravings but wait, that's only just the good side

it also brings jealousy, insecurity, and anger

true love is not bliss

it is a constant struggle for perfection

loving me would mean treating my flaws as yours

And embracing my past so we can seek a future

take me as I am

be my friend

be my freak

be my forever"

Mide.

Reading those words inspired me to ponder the dynamics of the relationships in my life. Someone once told me that I refuse to delegate when I work with people and that makes me a crappy leader and the the message above forced me to analyse myself a little.

My first thoughts were "well i accept everyone for who or what they are but I'm yet to find someone who would have me warts and all, that one person who would know me in all my persona's and with all my quirks. Accept all my flaws and love me anyway". Then it hit me, I have never taken that risk. I have never told anyone the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Sometimes I just evade or omit so I don't have to outrightly lie and sometimes I just do what comes naturally and manipulate the truth. I have never taken one human being completely into my confidence and told them everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. I've come close and there are people who know more about me than I ever thought possible but no one knows it all. 

I once said that if... no WHEN I die famous and stupidly wealthy, and my biography is being compiled everyone will tell my story differently and honestly I'm not sure I know the true story in totality anymore but I digress, fact is I have never been completely honest with anyone;same way I can't trust anyone enough to fully delegate responsibility, I can't trust anyone not to hurt me to risk making myself that vulnerable to them. Accordingly I have never allowed anyone to accept me, flaws and all, I usually just show them the flaws I feel, they can handle and table the rest for the other people in my life. I have no idea how this evolved, I don't remember any childhood trauma or emotional upheaval that gifted me with this crippling fear of rejection or gut wrenching sense of insecurity, this paralysing certianity that no one can possibly love me warts and all or this latent self loathing, but  I realised that, that's not exactly fair to the people I love cuz I don't give them a chance to prove me wrong.  

Now, I would like to say that from now on I won't assume that everyone around me is inherently flawed, in that, they lack the ability to be as accepting as I am, but I'd probably be lying (and I'm really trying to break that habit) cuz there are somethings I can never say to the people I love as it would kill me if I was right and it was more than they could bear or cope with so they walked away. All I know is I have to try cuz all this only 'giving up teeny tiny pieces of myself' for inspection is slowly killing me anyway and in the end, in a bid to keep yet more undesirable aspects of myself hidden, I am slowly turning into someone i don't particularly like and my self loathing manifests itself in the wierdest ways.

The Elusive Origins of the Never-ending Tale of the Boogieman!

The horror stories! We’ve all heard them and we’ve all told them.

You gain admission to a new school, or obtain employment at an organisation, luckily for you , you know one or two people already in the system or veterans of the game, so you go over to see them in search of a few tips or pointers , a heads up or advance warning on how to navigate the uncharted waters, whatever you choose to call it.

It’s like this is the opportunity they’ve been waiting for and with a very put upon kind of look, destined to prepare you for the worst, they then proceed to scare the s##t outta you (pardon my French)! They tell you tales of stress and pressure and instead of leaving relieved or reassured, you leave scared, apprehensive and practically hyperventilating.

You start school or work and discover that, yea, there is stress and pressure but it’s not more than you can handle, it won’t kill you! Then you realise that the people you went to see, the ones you spoke to, they survived this place which means that this place is survivable!

So just maybe, their stories may have been slightly exaggerated, their tales a tad tall. This place isn’t all bad. Then a few years down the road a young, eager fresher, an enthusiastic newbie walks up to you and seeks counsel. How do you proceed? You paste an overly burdened look upon your face and proceed to scare the s##t outta her too....

Dream

Sometimes I lie in bed and I dream,

And in my dreams I’m not really me

My life is just a tale in a book that I’ve read,

My mistakes are just lessons that the heroine has learned

My triumphs are just glories that the characters have earned

And all of this,

All this pain is nothing but a dream...

Nightingale at heart.

I love music and I’m not particular about the genre, I love it all; pop, rock, classical, hiphop, RnB, hiplife, highlife, naija, alternative rock you name it and there’s probably a song in that genre that I like. Sometimes the lyrics speak to me sometimes it’s the beat that makes me play it over and over. I am yet to meet anyone who shares my exact taste in music but my eclectic musical taste means that i can find music i love in practically anyone’s music collection from the die-hard rap fan to the king of soul.

Unfortunately when it comes to the making of music, i am remarkably ungifted. I sing in the shower and the water stops flowing in protest. I never learnt to play a musical instrument and my deplorable hand-eye coordination makes me reluctant to attempt to pick one up now. But there is music in my soul and until i can find a medium through which i can share said music with the world my song remains unsung.

The Service

I went to church yesterday, the first time in a very long time. I went with a hope in my heart that I would once again find the joy I used to find in the house of the Lord but as I sat there I was plagued with the very thoughts that had spawned my initial boycott of the meeting of the saints.

I saw my fellow students moved by the service, lose all inhibitions and allow the spirit of the lord to fill them. They shouted and they prayed, they danced and they sang and seemed to be genuinely experiencing something that was out of this world and there I sat feeling nothing.

The man of God climbed up to the pulpit and started to preach, as he spoke our eyes met and I thought to myself, this is the moment, now I will finally have the connection with the Lord that I seek and then the Man of God looked away without so much a a hitch in his litany to indicate that the lord had just informed him of my purpose in life.

As disappointment overwhelmed me I realised something remarkable, going to church was not about me and how the lord could use my presence as an opportunity to connect with me, rather it was supposed to be about me using it as an opportunity to connect with God, I was to seek Him not wait for Him to realise how special I was and exalt me; I was to exalt Him. I had to take the opportunity given me to be of service to Him then maybe I would finally find the connection I sought with my saviour and rediscover the joy I had in His presence as a child, finally I would not feel so lost and forsaken.

it's my birthday and i'll grow up if i want to!

how does one outgrow the most important day of one's life?

my birthday has always been a big deal at least to me. i mean i actually cried one Birthday long ago cuz my tyrant of a big sister made me wash dishes (this was a long time ago, a very long time ago, i am not averse to the notion of washing dishes on my birthday nowadays its just that i feel that there must be better ways of spending the day). this year i have been informed by quite a few of my nearest and dearest that i should outgrow the obsession i seem to have with the importance of the 25th of March to the populace in general. in a bid to do same i have taken certain measures ( or rather refrained from certain activites better suited to a child of say three or maybe four)

• i have not, managed to slip a slight reminder of my birthday into every conversation i have( ok maybe just a little but old habits die hard, and i have been doing this for 21 years, since i learned to talk)
• i didnt inform my whole class of my birthday over and over again till they felt obliged to give me gifts( i did this in class five and everyone in my class got me a gift including my teacher)
• i have not badgered and beleaguered my mother until she organised enough food to feed an army then harassed my friends and acquintances till they felt the need to spend every waking moment of that day with me
• i have not accidentally mentioned stuff i would really like to have over and over again in the week preceding my birthday so anyone who was unclear about what to get me would take the hint (just in case u are floundering about what to give me a list of suitable gifts will be provided at the end of this post, please pick according to the love u have for me not the price tag)
• i have not squeezed the promise of a cake from a least three different people so that i have more than one cake to umm ........share.
• last but in no way the least i have not had my usual recurring nightmare that everyone forgot it was my birthday

the fact that i have not participated (exceedingly) in my usual juvenile antics in the weeks directly preceding my birthday is a laudable achievement and in light of this i feel that all my nearest and dearest can best reward me by acting as they would have, if i had behaved so abominably i.e. by showering me with gifts and attention. you should all know the drill by now and all newcomers please consult your predecessors for tips on appropriate behaviour afterall i can hardly tell you myself, i'm outgrowing such behaviour.

p.s the birthday list

• car
• ipod
• blackberry phone
• external hard disk( 1000gig)
• jewellery (preferrably gold, silver, platinum but cheaper metals and costume will also be appreciated)
• perfume (musky scents are preferable to flowery scents)
• shoes (please see me in camera for shoe size as i have embarassingly big feet)
• cake (chocolate with creaming icing)
• call credit
• cash (for the unimaginative)

thank you all so much in advance. this list is not exhaustive of my wants or needs and should only be used as a guide for those who are confounded as to what to get me, so feel free to go off the list if u are inspired to get me something else.

oh and in light of my new adult behaviour

please feel free to refrain from giving me anything and i'll be in no way upset by it.

Too stressed or too blessed?

Have you ever been so exhausted that even the thought of going to sleep seemed like too much work?

Being a person who is scrupulously economical about the work I do, this seemed like an impossible occurrence until this week from hell. I would like to go into depth about how full of activity the week has been but as I already pointed out, I’M EXHAUSTED! So pardon me but I’m just going to mention the little moments this week that made all the stress surprisingly worthwhile.

Like Tuesday night when He saw me and his face lit up like the sun (huge exaggeration but that’s my poetic license, right) and I knew that though the bus ride had been excruciatingly long and I had an even longer one to look forward to at the end of the week, it was worth it to spend even an hour with him.

Or Wednesday morning as I sat in on a meeting with the Attorney General of Ghana, little ole me, and I knew that this was what I wanted to do with my life, I was on the right track and very soon my life as a fully fledged lawyer would begin.

And later that night, at dinner (which was excellent by the way) when I got confirmation from a Justice of the Supreme Court of Ghana, that I was born to be a Lawyer. He actually said he hoped to see me in his courtroom soon.

Or at salsa when I said goodnight to the students from Fordham, the reason my week had been so busy, and I realised that in less than a week I had made a friend and I was really going to miss her.

And last but not in any way the least when I got back to school and lo and behold I had been missed and it dawned on me that maybe just maybe I’m not such a pain to have around anyway.

So even as I sit here at 2am, trying to study for the two tests I have later on in the day, I’m glad that my week was so hectic cuz without the stress I may not have appreciated these little golden moments ...