Thursday, November 11, 2010

Just So You know

I do not know exactly when I decided to be a lawyer, I do know what period of my life when I was positive law was what I wanted to study. It was when I first met you. You saw me sitting in the reception looking lost, invited me to follow you to court and changed the course of my internship from the worst to the best ever. I talked about you constantly that vacation, no wonder I have no desire to work with anyone else.
You made me feel smart and special and had me convinced me that I was on the right track.
Then the vacation ended, I went back to school and everything fell apart. I would like to give a reasonable explanation for my actions but I cannot, anything I say would sound trite and derisory. Though you will probably not believe me, the inanity that guided my actions are still a mystery to me. Now all our interactions are stilted and awkward, me because of guilt and regret, and I can only fathom a guess as to the reason for your disregard (disappointment, indifference).
I miss the 'us' from that vacation, but it will never be that way again. I could apologise but I have, so many times, and gone back to old habits so I guess 'sorry' loses impact after so many repititions.
I write this now because I made it to law school (barely) and you are constantly on my mind. When I think 'lawyer' well you pop into my mind. I said I was happy You didn't take the lecturing job, but I failed to explain myself; It's not because I think you would not be great at it, because you would, you are a natural mentor, but because I am selfish, You are my 'guru'(at least in my mind), I do not want my whole class benefitting from you, plus I would not be able to bear being in your class and being ignored by you.
Oh if you read my earlier post 'soundtrack' then your song is 'Refuge' by John Legend.